It's a question of Identity...

When my father retired from working at the phone company he was made to take 2 years off from working as part of his retirement/separation plan. At some point he start to have issues of identity. Who was he if he wasn't a phone guy. How does one define ones self if ones self is so tied up in the title that one has had for most of ones life?

I watched him suffer depression and confusion. He went on and with my mother bought a glass company and became a great boss. Still, I believe Dad suffered  issues with identity the rest of his life.

I bring this point up because I too am suffering from a question of identity. What defines me as me. What do I want the world to know about me and what don't I want them to know. The biggest of all the questions about identity I have is who or what do I want to be.

Do you remember when you were just starting out? It could of been your first job or going off to college or moving out of your parents place. That feeling that anything is possible? I am sorta experiencing that feeling all over again. I don't know where I'll end up or what I'll do but I have this feeling if I really wanted to I could do anything be anything and be anyone I wanted and that is a powerful feeling to have. It certainly makes all this upset over the denial worth going through.

Some definitions of me:
Woman
White
Middle Class
Lesbian
Poet
Artist
Writer
Philosopher
Dreamer


As I heal and grow I know I will remember or add more names to the list...

Sitting in the Rubble

It seems like forever has passed and I can look back and wonder how my life has ended up in this place. I've mostly just been treading water and today I got the answer that I didn't want. I got the hard answer. The answer that means I have to become kinetic from a practically non moving state of being. Today I was told after battling the social security office (since 2002) that no they will not grant me disability benefits regardless of what my current doctors or even my past doctors have said. Many of the reasons given to me were statements taken out of context.. and I am unable to even defend myself. Unable to fight for my right for help and why should I continue to fight?

With this denial comes a sense of grief but also a sense of release. I fear for my future and am terrified that I can't rise to the occasion. It hasn't been easy in the past and now I'm being forced out of my shell.. a shell that was built to keep me safe. The world its self is a caustic and dramatic place that often drives me to hide in my peaceful home. I am unsure what path to take unsure of where to go or what to do now. This denial blows the doors off of my life. In this rubble I sit dazed unsure and confused.

From this state I have to start to come up with some kind of plan or even plans. I haven't the foggiest idea what I'm going to do next. I feel numb with flares of anger, sadness, fear, relief and hope. I thought if this should happen that I'd be suicidal like I've been with past denials but so far that has not happened. I think for the most part I feel relief...

So now what? I don't really know... I think I'll just sit and heal a bit more before I climb out of the rubble.

Where did Piss Poor come from?

My Mom sent this to me via an email and I found it interesting so thought I'd share it with all of you...

Interesting History


They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families
used to all pee in a pot & then once a day it was taken and
Sold to the tannery . . . if you had to do this to survive
You were "Piss Poor"

But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't
even afford to buy a pot . . . they "didn't have a pot to
piss in" & were the lowest of the low.

The next time you are washing your hands and complain
because the water temperature isn't just how you like it,
think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about
the 1500's:

Most people got married in June because they took their
yearly bath in May, and they still smelled pretty good by
June. However, since they were starting to smell . . ...
Brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.
Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting
Married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man
of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then
all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the
children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so
dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the
saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water!"

Houses had thatched roofs - thick straw - piled high, with no
wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get
warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs)
lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and
sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof . ... .
Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the
house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs
and other droppings could mess up your n! ice clean bed. Hence,

a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top
afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into
existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other
than dirt. Hence the saying, "Dirt poor." The wealthy had
slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet,
so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their
footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until,

when you opened the door, it would all start slipping
outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way.
Hence: a thresh hold.

(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big
kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit
the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly
vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the
stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold
overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew
had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence
the rhyme: Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas
porridge in the pot nine days old. Sometimes they could
obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When
visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show
off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home
the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests
and wo! uld all sit around and chew the fat.

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high
acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food,
causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with
tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were
considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt
bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests
got the top, or the upper crust.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would Sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days.
Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.
England is old and small and the local folks started running
out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins
and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the
grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins
were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they
realized they had been burying people alive . . . So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell.
Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night
(the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone
could be, saved by the bell or was considered a dead ringer.

And that's the truth . . . ... Now, whoever said History was boring!!!

So . . . get out there and educate someone! ~~~ Share these
facts with a friend.

I went out today and purposely bought a belt. My body's shape has changed and it's a wonderful joyful feeling to actually be able to put on a store bought belt. Clothes continue to fall off of me. I am hopeful that in a years time I will be where I want to be.


Art is going well. I am enjoying the peace I find while being creative. I sometimes ok I often get anxious about the end results but when I can just sit back and just do I feel very very relaxed. Today I worked some more on my ceramics finishing up the small pieces and did the first 2 coats on 1 of the larger pieces. Those are all waiting to be fired. Hopefully with in the next few days. Don't know what i'll be doing there tomorrow or friday but I'm sure I'll come up with something... Oh I do need to do a second coat of varnish on my postcards box.

I must remember to send off letter/card to J. from art tomorrow!

The struggle of weight loss...

I've been feeling kinda yucky ok more yucky than usual these last few days. Other than the roasting of veggies I've not made many real strides in the cooking world. Been just moving along at neutral speeds and trying to get through these days. I did have lunch with a friend yesterday who hadn't seen me since before I started the diet and she did say she saw a difference. I"m of course afraid that everyone is just being nice and just saying it but there is this quiet voice inside who keeps replying that I have indeed lost weight... I mean my clothes are falling off and I"m sticking to the diet like white on rice. So I know there is a difference. I'm just scared that I will return to what I was which was very unhealthy and I do not want to go back to that. But what if I am not strong enough to keep myself healthy? What if I forget how hard this was and what a struggle this is? It's happened before. I had knee surgery and they told me I had to continue to loose weight and I didn't. It isn't like I didn't try because I did try but it still kept piling on and I kept taking the meds the doctors gave me which made me just that much more sicker and that much more heavy. So many have times I've kicked myself but I really didn't know the way to save myself. This struggle is the most important struggle of my life. I must fight because I know I'm worth it and this diet has turned things around for me. I am very thankful for it!

I feel sadness from the haunting pictures of those beautiful animals that are at the shelter. I want to save them all but there is nothing I can do. Nothing I can do to help them. We walked the isles earlier in the week to check out an american eskimo female dog unfortunately she was not going to fit into our home pack well so I was unable to save her. We walked and spoke to all of the dogs. I cried. My heart breaks for these dogs and cats. I've had to stop having the rescue pages come up on my fb as If I see their pictures too much it spins me into such deep sadness. Even as I type this I"m fighting tears that are wanting to fall because the thought of such sweet animals being put down. I wish I could do more.

Tonight I feel the need to be somewhere cool quiet and there is this part of me that feels the need to be some where I can hear the wind make the leaves sing and the water chuckle as it flows over the rocks. If Kendra didn't have to work over the next few days I think I would ask her to take me  up to Oak Creek Canyon. I crave it like a rain starved desert.

Or the warm salty waters of the gulf.