Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Sitting in the Rubble

It seems like forever has passed and I can look back and wonder how my life has ended up in this place. I've mostly just been treading water and today I got the answer that I didn't want. I got the hard answer. The answer that means I have to become kinetic from a practically non moving state of being. Today I was told after battling the social security office (since 2002) that no they will not grant me disability benefits regardless of what my current doctors or even my past doctors have said. Many of the reasons given to me were statements taken out of context.. and I am unable to even defend myself. Unable to fight for my right for help and why should I continue to fight?

With this denial comes a sense of grief but also a sense of release. I fear for my future and am terrified that I can't rise to the occasion. It hasn't been easy in the past and now I'm being forced out of my shell.. a shell that was built to keep me safe. The world its self is a caustic and dramatic place that often drives me to hide in my peaceful home. I am unsure what path to take unsure of where to go or what to do now. This denial blows the doors off of my life. In this rubble I sit dazed unsure and confused.

From this state I have to start to come up with some kind of plan or even plans. I haven't the foggiest idea what I'm going to do next. I feel numb with flares of anger, sadness, fear, relief and hope. I thought if this should happen that I'd be suicidal like I've been with past denials but so far that has not happened. I think for the most part I feel relief...

So now what? I don't really know... I think I'll just sit and heal a bit more before I climb out of the rubble.

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