Wednesday, February 15, 2012

It's a question of Identity...

When my father retired from working at the phone company he was made to take 2 years off from working as part of his retirement/separation plan. At some point he start to have issues of identity. Who was he if he wasn't a phone guy. How does one define ones self if ones self is so tied up in the title that one has had for most of ones life?

I watched him suffer depression and confusion. He went on and with my mother bought a glass company and became a great boss. Still, I believe Dad suffered  issues with identity the rest of his life.

I bring this point up because I too am suffering from a question of identity. What defines me as me. What do I want the world to know about me and what don't I want them to know. The biggest of all the questions about identity I have is who or what do I want to be.

Do you remember when you were just starting out? It could of been your first job or going off to college or moving out of your parents place. That feeling that anything is possible? I am sorta experiencing that feeling all over again. I don't know where I'll end up or what I'll do but I have this feeling if I really wanted to I could do anything be anything and be anyone I wanted and that is a powerful feeling to have. It certainly makes all this upset over the denial worth going through.

Some definitions of me:
Middle Class

As I heal and grow I know I will remember or add more names to the list...

Sitting in the Rubble

It seems like forever has passed and I can look back and wonder how my life has ended up in this place. I've mostly just been treading water and today I got the answer that I didn't want. I got the hard answer. The answer that means I have to become kinetic from a practically non moving state of being. Today I was told after battling the social security office (since 2002) that no they will not grant me disability benefits regardless of what my current doctors or even my past doctors have said. Many of the reasons given to me were statements taken out of context.. and I am unable to even defend myself. Unable to fight for my right for help and why should I continue to fight?

With this denial comes a sense of grief but also a sense of release. I fear for my future and am terrified that I can't rise to the occasion. It hasn't been easy in the past and now I'm being forced out of my shell.. a shell that was built to keep me safe. The world its self is a caustic and dramatic place that often drives me to hide in my peaceful home. I am unsure what path to take unsure of where to go or what to do now. This denial blows the doors off of my life. In this rubble I sit dazed unsure and confused.

From this state I have to start to come up with some kind of plan or even plans. I haven't the foggiest idea what I'm going to do next. I feel numb with flares of anger, sadness, fear, relief and hope. I thought if this should happen that I'd be suicidal like I've been with past denials but so far that has not happened. I think for the most part I feel relief...

So now what? I don't really know... I think I'll just sit and heal a bit more before I climb out of the rubble.